I’ve said it once and you can expect me to say it again. Writing and porn simply cannot co-exist. It seems that as soon as phalluses and the sweet spot are involved the author simply forgets everything they were taught about proper grammar and writing in general. The all important rule of show don’t tell seems void in this genre where visual stimulation is the general point of porn.

Maybe this is because these authors never were actually taught writing skills. The most famous example doesn’t even need mentioning, we all know it involves sex of the kinky kind, a broken and mysterious man and a young women who’s inner goddess needs to learn a new dance.

Yes I’m talking about Fifty Shades of Grey and just in case you don’t know the background of this terrible, amazing book let me educate you. The author, E L James, was just like any tween fan girl, except she wasn’t so tween. She is actually a film producer, and mother of two. Yet just like the million of girls before her she was a fan of Twilight. And just like any fan girl would she started writing fanfiction. You know that amateur writing exercise where you put your favourite characters in sex scenes? Yeah, that one.

Im not criticizing the practice of fanfiction, not at all. I myself have partaken in the fun, and as usual cringed at the bad grammar and excitement of the writers. The thing that has me stumped though is how she went from fanfiction writer to overnight sensation. She has obviously done little research into domination, as it doesn’t involve a contract of any kind, rather is just about open dialogue between the parties. And it reads like a diary entry from a teenager instead of a well-constructed narrative.

I would like to know what the editors were doing when they were supposed to be, you know, editing. It seems the millions of women weren’t the only ones getting excited while reading it. Or maybe they just knew anything vaguely related to Twilight would be an extraordinary success. Either way it seems that all you need to do to get published these days is to have a perfect character for everyone to fall in love with. Because if I’m going to say one nice thing about Fifty Shades it would be that the one character of Christian Grey is well developed, although not entirely realistic.

At least now with a new movie coming out in February you don’t even need to read the book. Just have an awkwardly erotic date on Valentines Day. In case you haven’t seen it yet, the trailer has been added below for your viewing pleasure.