Sex + Bad Writing = Over-night success

I’ve said it once and you can expect me to say it again. Writing and porn simply cannot co-exist. It seems that as soon as phalluses and the sweet spot are involved the author simply forgets everything they were taught about proper grammar and writing in general. The all important rule of show don’t tell seems void in this genre where visual stimulation is the general point of porn.

Maybe this is because these authors never were actually taught writing skills. The most famous example doesn’t even need mentioning, we all know it involves sex of the kinky kind, a broken and mysterious man and a young women who’s inner goddess needs to learn a new dance.

Yes I’m talking about Fifty Shades of Grey and just in case you don’t know the background of this terrible, amazing book let me educate you. The author, E L James, was just like any tween fan girl, except she wasn’t so tween. She is actually a film producer, and mother of two. Yet just like the million of girls before her she was a fan of Twilight. And just like any fan girl would she started writing fanfiction. You know that amateur writing exercise where you put your favourite characters in sex scenes? Yeah, that one.

Im not criticizing the practice of fanfiction, not at all. I myself have partaken in the fun, and as usual cringed at the bad grammar and excitement of the writers. The thing that has me stumped though is how she went from fanfiction writer to overnight sensation. She has obviously done little research into domination, as it doesn’t involve a contract of any kind, rather is just about open dialogue between the parties. And it reads like a diary entry from a teenager instead of a well-constructed narrative.

I would like to know what the editors were doing when they were supposed to be, you know, editing. It seems the millions of women weren’t the only ones getting excited while reading it. Or maybe they just knew anything vaguely related to Twilight would be an extraordinary success. Either way it seems that all you need to do to get published these days is to have a perfect character for everyone to fall in love with. Because if I’m going to say one nice thing about Fifty Shades it would be that the one character of Christian Grey is well developed, although not entirely realistic.

At least now with a new movie coming out in February you don’t even need to read the book. Just have an awkwardly erotic date on Valentines Day. In case you haven’t seen it yet, the trailer has been added below for your viewing pleasure.

Manly Salt House

SH3Eat.
Drink.
Dance.
Repeat.

Forget stumbling all over town to find all the best things in life, at Manly Salt House you can get all three in one night – with that warm, balmy summer air, instantly transporting you to *Happy Place*.

Renovated to feel warm yet open, this dual space offers service practically on the beach, without the unsavoury sand. Previously U-turn, which you might remember for that U shaped bar that swallowed up the place, the new owners have pushed the bar right back and renovated the impressive space with natural woods, tiles and a few stone facades.

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Here at Manly Salt House you start downstairs, where you can split a platter of marinated king prawns, oregano & paprika dusted lamb and char grilled vegetables ribbons. Or be greedy and order a market fish, wrapped in banana leaf and served with ginger and lemon relish, all to yourself. Hey, no judgement…

Next, grab your still-standing cronies and head upstairs where you can book a booth, order a wine or three and get. up. on. the floor. They’re soon to offer table service, so you can start channelling your inner Celeb Bali Escape vibe now.

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Head up another level to cool off under the stars beneath the retracting roof. Order the Sunset Blvd, served proud in a champagne glass with fresh strawberry, vanilla, vodka and a touch of lavender, then recline and radiate in your endless-summer-bliss.

Salt heals all wounds, after all…

Website: Manly Salt House

Published on Urban Society / 15 October, 2013

Tatler, Darlinghurst

DSC_8330-1Tatler, Sydney’s original small bar, reopened its doors last week to play host to the ARIA week shenanigans.

Sydney boys Brendan Watson and Tim Clark reclaimed the venue and have been hard at work refurnishing it to reflect the smooth and sophisticated tone of Sydney’s elite. The original sandstone foundations remain, but everything else is brand new: remodelled bars, handpicked furnishings, skeletons dancing on the ceiling… Stumble down the stairs of Tatler and take in the old world furniture and new world values.

Live music takes the form of jazz and soul, while DJs spin remixed 50s classics from decks on an 18th century writing desk. It’s a tantalising combination that won’t let you stop dancing until the walls sweat.

Not your thing? Don’t worry, grab some company and take the party to the outside where you can enjoy city views and fresh breezes.

Tatler

When you get thirsty flag down one of the many waitresses who will bring you a refreshing margarita in a mason jar (what else?). And you wont be able to stop at one, soon your recycled stone top table will be looking like you raided all the best hipster bars in the city. Our other favourite is the Clover Club (pictured, above right), a smooth and refreshing combination of Bombay gin and raspberries. Summer in a sip gulp.

When you’re sufficiently tippled, pick up some of the white cards provided (with a Hemingway quote of course) and let your inspiration, or drunken rantings, flow.

But don’t forget to soak some of that tequila up with a choice of mouthwatering jaffles. Ask for the mushroom filled jaffle with three types of melt-in-your-mouth mushrooms and the smoothest cheese. You’ll be set for the night.

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Get your culture fix here as well: a rotating gallery with works from MCLEMOI. Up first is Tyler Shields: think plenty of red lips and half naked attractive people. Who said a gallery couldn’t come with cocktails?

Last week Tatler was a melting point for the who’s who of the music industry. Judging by the smiles on satisfied customer’s faces, they’ll be coming back again and again.

Stop in, drop by, or settle in for the summer. You won’t want to be anywhere else.
Opening hours: Tuesday – Saturday, 6pm – late
For more info: Visit the Tatler website

Published on Urban Society / 03 December, 2013